Parenting and Communicating with your Teen

I’m going to be honest. I have fears for raising my future children because I don’t have confidence that I will be able to help them learn responsibility without interfering in their lives as much when they are teenagers. I have fears because even though I learned a lot from my parents, and I respect them and honor them for everything they have done for me and taught me. There are different approaches that weren’t handled well in my family, so I hope not to follow bad techniques on parenting unconsciously. I see myself acting in an authoritarian way with my siblings, and I do not want to practice this kind of parenting with my own children. I know that the best kind of parenting does not involve coerciveness, but it involves smart techniques that teach children responsibility without force. The most successful kind of parenting is called authoritative parenting. Research has supported authoritative techniques as ideal in supporting a positive child and adolescent outcomes.

I like this quote that I have learned from reading in another class, but it goes a long with this topic.

“Parenting styles have been defined as ‘constellations of behaviors that describe parent-child interactions over a wide range of situations and that are presumed to create a pervasive interactional climate’. Authoritative parents are presumed to create positive interactional climate based on an optimal balance of high warmth and high expectations, which environment in turn leads children and adolescents to be most receptive to parental influence…  In essence, authoritative parenting creates an interactional climate that promotes positive parent-child relationships…”

And after this week in class, we were able to learn a couple of strategies that parents can use when trying to teach their children good values and responsibilities that authoritative parent’s practice. So, I will share one of the strategies that I feel will help the parent-child relationship’s communication.

Overall, all parents want a cooperative relationship with their teen.

Authoritarian parents demand it.

Permissive parents hope for it.

Authoritative or active parents work with it through communication and understanding.

And here is a way that authoritative parents communicate effectively.

1.       Listen actively

2.       Respond to feelings

3.       Look for alternatives/evaluate consequences

4.       Offer encouragement

5.       Follow up later

We also have to keep in mind that there are different channels of communication. There are words, tone of voice, and non-verbal cues to look for.

If we want out children to come to us with help, and come to us with honest concerns, parents have the responsibility to be there for when their children need them. There are going to be different situations where this can be handled.

In a video we watched, there was a scene where a daughter and a mother were in the kitchen eating breakfast. In this situation, the daughter is already planning on missing school and she seems very quiet while she eats. So in response, the mother asked why she didn’t want to go to school. And the daughter just kept on playing with her food and looking down, and said “ Just because” and instead of the mother saying, “ well you have to go to school whether you like it or not”. The mother decided to pay attention to her daughter’s non-verbal cues, and decided to ask her what was wrong, because she knew something was bothering her. And so the daughter admitted that it was embarrassing, so the mom responded, “ I have had my share of embarrassing moments” so then the daughter opened up and told her why she was embarrassed to go to school. So then the mom was able to share her embarrassing moment and connect with her daughter.

So, as we can see, the mother actively listened before she started lecturing the daughter about why she should go to school. The mother decided to seek the actual thing that was bothering her daughter instead of assuming the worst. Then the mother responded to feelings and let her daughter to know that what she was feeling was normal but there are different ways she can approach the problem. And then the mother looked for alternatives like saying, “ well, it would be good to go and be an adult about the problem and face it, or you can decide to never go back to school and hang out with me and your Dad all day” and so even though she didn’t directly say, “ you need to go to school because I said so and I know better, but the mother let her daughter know that she has a choice, but her choices have consequences. It just depends on her daughter what she wants to see as an outcome in the end.

Then the mother offered encouragement as she shared an embarrassing story that happened to her while she was in High School and how she had an idea how her daughter felt. So, the daughter learned more about the mom and was able to connect with her as they shared stories. Later on, the mom followed up with her daughter asking her what happened with the situation and they talked about what the daughter learned from the situation and in the end the mother offered encouragement and appreciation at her daughter’s decision to be better and learn to handle a situation.