Communication

This week we only had one class because of Thanksgiving break but I really enjoyed what we learned in that one class period. We talked about the importance that communication has in a relationship, but it is also important to know HOW to communicate effectively in any relationship.

Roughly, about 85% of the time, in therapy, when couples are asked what is their main problem within their marriage, they say it is Communication.

And usually when there are disagreements, if it is not approached well, then both spouses get defensive and try to defend what is right to each one of them, instead of trying to fix the problem as a whole.

In class our professor gave us the “5 secrets of effective communication” that are found in the book Feeling Good Together, by David Burns M.D.

And these 5 secrets are the 5 things that most people don’t do and if we learn these steps, we have to be willing to practice these skills and seek understanding in every situation.

Here are the 5 secrets

11-      Disarming Technique- this is an agreement that you do, to stop blaming the other person. Be honest with yourself and about your desire to repair the relationship and take responsibility of what happened. We need to learn how to find the truth in the statement that your spouse makes. For example, if they say, “You don’t give a crap about what I’m saying or me”. Now. Our natural instinct would be to get defensive and say “I do care why would you say that, you always assume I don’t care” which in result can have them be defensive and again state something else in their defense. However, as we seek the truth, we can say ‘You know, you are right, I have been in a rush to leave this conversation and go to work. You wanted me to listen, and I wasn’t doing that, I’m sorry”. Because of that shift in conversation, the other person can be more open when you have disarmed your defensiveness. In result, you get a different point of view, you are more sympathetic, and you can see where their feelings of anger or frustration were feelings of inferiority or insecurity. When you get your weapons down, they put theirs down and then they’ll know that this is not a fight, but an important conversation.  

22-      Thought empathy— Is repeating what they said, we can try to guess their emotions so they can know that their feelings do matter, and we are trying our best to get their point of view.  For example, if a husband is mad that a wife spends to much time at home, instead of getting defensive and state that you work for the family and their well being from home , you can say

3-       “ Wow, it must be really upsetting for you to work and I’m at home. With this you are giving empathy for thoughts and feelings. Its not validating that what they are saying is true, but it is stating that you do care about their feelings and want to know how you can help.

43-      Gentle Inquiry—can be inviting your spouse to share their feelings. For example, saying “ Would you like to talk about it?”

54-      When_(Event or circumstance)___

I feel­­­_(emotion)___

Because_(Thought)__

I would like_____

An example “ When you tell me that I am lazy, I feel pretty hurt and worthless because you I am trying my best at home, I would like to talk about it without saying hurtful things to figure things out”.

65-      Authentic respect and admiration—"I really respect that you work hard for this family”, “I admire that you are trying to fix things with me when you bring this up”

And these steps don’t have to specifically have to go in order but it works well this way

Numbers 1-3 show Empathy

Number 4 shows Assertiveness

Number 5 shows Respect

We can remember this by the Acronym E.A.R which makes sure that we understand that your spouse’s feelings are being validated and shows how you want to understand their point of view, even if it seems like they are making no sense. We need to go in a conversation wanting to fix the problem not wanting to change their point of view, because we can’t really change a person but we can help them bring their defensive mode off and help them have a better way of expressing how they are feeling.