Dating vs Hanging out

This week we learned about the first step you take in order to get married, and that step is called dating.

Within the new period of emerging adulthood, there are a variety of ideas about how successful marriages are formed and dating is in that process.

However, dating has different definitions within society and most people have resorted to “hooking up” or “hanging out” instead of going on a one on one date that has a planned activity, is paired off as a couple and is paid for in some way. In the 1950’s dating was the way you got to know the person you were interested in. There are certain ways that you can get to know a person when you are on a date versus hanging out.

There are a variety of reasons and excuses that people give when they decide to hang out instead of go on a date is that people feel less pressure when they put a label on the activity, so they rather hang out so that they wont feel the stress of making sure that person in having fun. Another excuse that people resort to is that people don’t want to lead anyone if you are not that interested in the person. There is not rejection if you only ask to hang out, and you can also leave whenever you want during the “hang out” because you didn’t commit to that person for the whole activity.

So, when we think this way, we are bringing this non-commitment thinking into marriages. That is not the way we should be thinking.

In a date, if done right, there is a mutual understanding that you are going to be paired off for the activity that day and your attention will be on that person. You are committing to help them have a good time, you are not committing for marriage yet. When there is a planned activity that is set for the date, it shows that you are giving effort into their enjoyment for the date, and it is preparing you to show leadership and initiative within a relationship. When it is paid for(and it doesn’t have to be expensive) it shows that you are willing to provide for your date, which can prepare you to be comfortable to provide for your future family.  In addition to this, a date should give you the opportunity to get to know someone by talking and opening  up to them. As we do this, we have a more effective way to keep on getting to know someone, before committing to anything more serious like engagement and marriage.

Dating is not something that we do so that we can hold someone’s hand or to get close to someone, it is to prepare you for what you will be practicing in a committed marriage. Dating is not a waste of time and it should not be considered as something stressful.  

In addition to this , we all know that one person in our friend group or an acquaintance that has an obsessive list of qualities that he or she wants in their future spouse, and if they don’t meet those requirement while dating, then that person in the right one. Honestly, I think we all have a list of things that we would want in a future spouse, and there is nothing wrong with it, but when we focus to much on the list and blame others for not having these great qualities in our wish list, then we have to refocus on something else.

Instead of having the finding the Mr/Mrs Right approach, we should be actively seeking to become the list that we want. For example, if our list says that we want someone that is fit, but we don’t go to the gym ourselves, then we are asking something that is unfair for the other person. If we want our future spouse that has all these great qualities, they wont be attracted to you if you don’t have them, because you are not at the same level as they are.

Once again “The goal is not to wait for the right person, but to be the right person”.

We need to shift our consumer thinking of what will I gain from this relationship? instead of what can I give to this relationship?